Pregnant stripper...not hot.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
