Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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