Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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