If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
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