i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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