so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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