I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
