cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
