I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
