i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
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