What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
