We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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