She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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