So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
