You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
