Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
