Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
