I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
