I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
