i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Holy sore nipples Batman
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
