So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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