someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
