You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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