he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
