Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
