party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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