Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
