Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
