All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
