I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
