Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
