I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
