I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
