She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
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