It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
