Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
operation harelip BJ is a go
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Randomize
