I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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