Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
