So drunk its hurt
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
