I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
