Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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