Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
