I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
