True but thats because hes a fetus.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
