Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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