I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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