1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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