On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
