Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
