the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
