Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
