I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
