I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
