he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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