____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
