if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
