We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
