his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
