Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
