Cold hands, warm shart.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
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