Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
